Lessons from ICU. 14. When I am afraid
When I started to learn more about faith, I was told that a man of faith must never be afraid of something. It did appeal to my ego and hence I would conceal my fears through bravado. But as I grew in the grace of the Lord, I realized faith is not “never being afraid”, but declaring that “When I am afraid, I will trust in You.” (Psalm 56:3)
As my sickness became severe and severe, I started having trouble sleeping; and even when I slept, I had severe nightmares. Most of the time, when I woke up in the middle of the night, for 5-10 minutes, I would not even know where I was. My heart beat would be pretty high, because I was scared. So, before going to sleep, I would play Christian songs on my laptop and would leave it on all night. Anytime I woke up, some beautiful song would be playing and I would feel safe. There were times when I woke up in the middle of the night, I was not able to go back to sleep; then I would sing along and then slowly fall back into sleep.
However what I did not realize was that many believers and our neighbors had noticed that songs were playing all night, and that I was singing along at odd hours. Except, they did not know that I was singing aloud because I was afraid. They all were amazed at my “faith”, that even in such condition, I was able to sing praises to the Lord. Many times, I tried to tell them that it was out of fear, I was singing; but they are not believing me yet.
On July 8th, when I was admitted to the ICU, I was very tired after the excruciating ordeal I had been through. As I was slipping into sleep, I suddenly realized that for the first time in nearly a month, I won’t be hearing a Christian song when I wake up. And the ICU was absolutely silent, which I was not used to while sleeping. I knew that I was safe, but I was worried how I would feel when I wake up in the morning. So, I asked the Lord to take care of me when I wake up. And slept like a little baby.
Early in the morning, the nurses came to change the sheets; but what I heard first was a Christian song playing, and I was utterly confused. It is an ICU where strict silence was maintained. And it was around 4 in the morning, so it could not be. But, I was really hearing a worship song so early in the morning and it soothed my nerves. Apparently, one of the nurses is a Christian and she would play songs in her cellphone early in the morning when treating the patients. Her idea is that when they wake up in the morning, hearing the praises of the Lord our God will help them. And it did help.
Yes, our LORD knows our fears. And He wants us to put our trust in Him. Peter was sinking because he was afraid. But he was a fisherman, who knew how to swim. But he did not trust his own ability; instead he stretched his hands towards Jesus Christ and our Lord did not leave him. Jesus stretched out His hands and lifted Peter from the waters. Then He made Peter walk again on the same waters. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever. And He does the same to everyone who trusts in Him when they are afraid.